And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Someone signed my nipple.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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