DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
