I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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