I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
