I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
