My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
