Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
