Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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