worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
