oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize