i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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