i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
