The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
