On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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