I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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