We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
