that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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