Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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