my phone needs a breathalizer
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
