I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize