I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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