My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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