I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
