I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
