I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
