I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
