So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
