So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
