I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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