I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
