thus making me awesome and them whores
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
