I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
