i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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