Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Someone shattered a urinal.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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