What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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