I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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