i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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