im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
