I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
