I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
