he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we made out on top of his cat.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
