last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We named our party play list daddy issues
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
