wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
