I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
