My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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