she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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