we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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