I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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