somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
