Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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