He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
