i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
