Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
