I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sext me about skeletons
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
