your parents love me but you hate me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
