I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You made out with two different species that night
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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