She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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