a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
