When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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