apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
