If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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