im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
