Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
