you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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