So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
