Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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