I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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