I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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