There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
