i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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