I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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